Black Bits for White Comedy

A long time, but some random writing I found from a standup bit I was thinkign about doing

Fri, 16 Mar 2007 00:23:02 GMT

But ya I just want to say up front. My material?
It's pretty rated 'X.'

I tell you this because you know, I'm totally one of those guys who
loves sex, guts and gore on the big screen. But when I'm watching one
of these sex saturated flix at the theatre, I have to admit. I get a
bit like brodie on MallRats, this kid and the fuckin' elevator.

I'm like this kid and his fucking parents and this movie, what the fuck
are you thinking?

Now I'm not gonna go over there and tell her to get her unaborted fetus out
of the theatre. But its nearly that bad.

Because what's the point of getting the fuck out of your parents house if you can't
be like...

He said, what...he just...wait...did I just hear. I can listen to that?

Well fuck! haha I can say it too! Yesssss!

That joke worked so much better back in the eighties.

*************************************************************************************

So my boss comes in 2 weeks ago. 'Cause I am still a working man,
and asks me, you know...so I heard, they said, your dealing with alot
of drama...

and First i'm like who the fuck have you been talking too? And why the fuck
where you talking about me...but I feel like this is one of those times where
I might really get to bond with the raise I'm getting, I mean the boss I have.

So I bite.

But my boss asks me and I'm like...

Well you know, its the whole college thing where I think I like her, find out she kinda likes me,
then I'm like after the sex...I'm like ehhhhhh! But she starts to swing my way...hard.
And then she runs off cause her friends figured what the fuck I'm all about...
but suddently, I'm were like....ehhhhh! that was kinda nice....wakin' up next to someone
I could get use to that...SO I swing her way and she shows up with her new guy.
...And I strangely can't stop laughing...

But I turn to my boss, and say 'don't say it was the sex.
because I know sex. I mean I get the hard cock, fingerin' her
smackin' my cock on that clit...like I know what I'm doin'...
I got the sexy covered. And guys, just so you know...if she's not
ready to cum after about 10 mins of fingering, sucking and cock slapping
that clit...just put her back in the coffin...I'm pretty sure she's dead.

No magic stick is gonna raise that bag of bones.

And So I got the sexy thing down.
But so I tell my boss, 'yea I'm just havin' some bad times with women. '

And my boss looks at me straight in the eyes and she says,
'you know where my hands are right now?'

(sigh) Yea....that's my fantasy.

*********************************************************************************

After Midnight and Before Denny's

Thu, 14 Dec 2006 04:23:27 GMT

We decided that it would be awesome, at tech, to be able
to put the pieces of the chicks that we liked together, despite
any frankensteinish concept...

but what to do with the spare pieces...

as jersey said...they're be alot of...no wait, ALOT
of them...

they'd have to get together and rebel...

I imagine a big ass long episode that follows
the same thought...picking different parts of
cartoon characters and mixing them up
in a freakshow...no one looks good
and all the bad pieces get together and rebel-rouse...

Fri, 08 Dec 2006 01:02:33 GMT

There is just nothing funny about finals...

nothing.

Mon, 27 Nov 2006 18:01:26 GMT

blah blah blah...is coming up next week...
all I have to present on are excuses and incompetence...
even then, shouldn't take that long...

Thank you mike

Mon, 27 Nov 2006 14:15:14 GMT

If she's not hot then you don't want to hear it...

but if your buddy's girlfriend's hot then you can
definitely enjoy the sounds of them banging
in the next room..."more memory for my spank bank"

Finally

Sat, 25 Nov 2006 21:36:04 GMT

Finally finished the synopsis for the first episode.
Now comes the painful flash animation bits...gonna
be a couple months but I think it's fun so...whatever...
lets just just say it involves all classic references
to ISD (network problems? there are no network problems)...
gassy bosses (it kills employees)...dingle berries
get confused with chocolate chips (yea, real nasty)
...and crazy network hubs that get angry at being
boinked in the butt by the net admin...so
they poltergeist the office building...with some good voices
thou...(???)...can't go wrong

Tue, 21 Nov 2006 07:26:26 GMT

I'm starting to think this kid...could be like big comic in a few years...
definitely somebody to watch...

Tue, 21 Nov 2006 07:19:54 GMT

The parents:
want to be alone for the holidays....
and they don't want to be disturbed...
leaving their phone off the hook...the party begins...

over two rooms yonder:
staying up late...the visiting offspring
makes the mistake
of trying to call a friend...
but there's no dial tone
...only...
sex?
Phone sex would never mean the same thing.

Wed, 15 Nov 2006 07:56:04 GMT

1:Goddammit my throat fucking hurts.
2:Well stop sucking so much cock.
1:But at night, I just get so hungry.
2:Don't fucking touch me.

Kool-Aid

Tue, 14 Nov 2006 21:28:27 GMT



"Kool-Aid" on Google Video
Kool-Aid

christmas squirts?

Tue, 14 Nov 2006 21:25:33 GMT

A comedic bit did come thru:
amazingly, lotta ass in my humor...

"anyone else sees this...I will fucking kill your anus
with tabasco and a side of chili....green...and red....
and Christmas will mean a whole 'nother world of pain"

somewhat regional, but still kidna funny...

Hellraiser's better

Tue, 14 Nov 2006 21:18:56 GMT

I feel so amazingly slackish this semester...
I need a smacking back into bitch-slap mode and
I'd be fine...but I've kinda run out of motivational
keys...hot chicks in class would bring it around...
but that hasn't..quite...happened...so none of that
south-parkish grunting over bebe's 'attahs'...which
consequently gets my ass motivated...or even still
on the other side of the coin...nothing so extremely
new that I feel challenged to learn anything/everything
about that given subject...although probability might
come close...just cauze its so pervasive in my field...
and with regard to diff-eq
I'm sure Dr. Kerr is like "wtf is barney doing?"
but so it goes...so it goes...

Comedic bit of the day:
I think the network in the show
should engulf the admins like hell does
to those hellraiser guys in hellraiser 1 and 2...which
would be cooler than just a poltergeist concept...
so like new hires become like pin-heads...after the 1st day of work...
it'd be just like when hellraiser pops you out of hell and
thru walls and gives you ultimate control of your system's users
...cause if you've ever worked for admins...
you know...thats how they think of themselves...
(its kinda hard not too)...

Tue, 14 Nov 2006 02:47:54 GMT

The comedic bit finally came late...but
came finally it did...

Dos is off to meet the mum...
afraid she'll ball when they meet...
afraid he'll just stall when they meet...
he needs to talk like captain kurk and it will
go well...mother why....are you...crying-why?

aside from anal sex and the bit about
lolipops and tapping the totsie roll

....define "scat porn"

Intellect

Sun, 12 Nov 2006 20:42:43 GMT

Character dos has an uncanny ability
to perform 'anti-thesis paladin-like' tricks...
Aurora's like 'social awkardness' easily up to
level 5 by now...and retribution skills of
crowd control. The intellectual level here
has to be confined to those outside of the party,
as Character dos duely notes...those outside
of the party are affected, while those
inside the party are visible to party
chat and have gotten the inside joke.

basically...going to house party's in burque,
can be like instancing, high level hotties amongst
trash mob friends...smartily sexy
bosses around buddies who like to cast dispell
magic...

but then when you find out the loot system has failed
there's nothing left to do, but fuck up the raid and jump
in the lava

and they say wow makes you anti-social, ha...how could
you strategize without it.

Sun, 12 Nov 2006 20:23:54 GMT

1) Since jacking off with strawberry jam
for a week, my penis tastes great.
2) When did you taste your penis?

Fri, 10 Nov 2006 22:49:02 GMT

[someone_has_been_fired]

Fri, 10 Nov 2006 22:40:52 GMT

So I think I'm gonna actually put in my time to utilize lj.
Finally...kinda like rehab from WOW...plus I think I'd like
to just keep track of ironic funny shit that we always
seem to come up with...

for instance:

Jerzey and I are riding back from Burque.
We pass a billboard...one of those PSA billboards:
"1 in 5 children are sexually solicited online."
...to which Jerzey replies...

Jerzey: Wtf are the other 4 doing?

can't say that's not good humor.

Just as close as spending those dividends
on budweiser...cause we're from the rez.
Right J-Dub?

Fri, 10 Nov 2006 00:15:13 GMT

yuuuuhea

Sat, 23 Sep 2006 19:03:31 GMT

HOly crap, he's made a single entry....the LJ cherry is popped...